Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
